State of Ohio v Mr William Schuester
by gluon
Summary: Closing argument by Will's defense attorney in a case of statutory rape.
1. The Opening

"Is defense counsel ready to present his closing arguments?"

"I am, your honor. Gentlemen of the jury, I do not envy you the daunting task you face in determining the fate of a good and true man, my client William Schuester. It will take all your intelligence, all your common sense, all your worldliness, all your experience, all your patience, all the understanding and forgiveness of your Christian souls to see through the panoply of misinformation and innuendo that the prosecution has brought forth in a deliberate attempt to mislead and confuse you. I stand humbly before you confident that each of you gentlemen has all the aforementioned qualities necessary to see through to the blazing truth that the prosecution has endeavored to obscure from you, and render the only verdict possible: not guilty.

"The charge brought against my client is simple: statutory rape. The evidence given to support that charge may appear simple and straightforward on the surface, but as I will demonstrate, it is anything but. It is in fact a hodge-podge of misperceptions and misinterpretations. The inferences that the prosecution would have you draw require abandoning all notions of fairness, common sense and logic.

"This case involves a single defendant, but in reality revolves around the true star of this prosecutorial inquisition, Rachel Berry, who, I shall argue, constitutes the real culprit, the evil driving force behind all that has befallen poor Mr. Schuester. The prosecution has emphasized the youth and innocence of Mizz Berry, constantly referring to her as Miss, as though she were an innocent young thing seduced by a person they want you to view as the most despicable man in the history of this great state of Ohio. Let us begin with a close look at the real protagonist of this sordid, demoralizing affair, Mizz Rachel Berry.

"Here we have a young woman raised by two homosexual fathers, so that none should express surprise at her warped mind and deviant behavior. She has travelled the country, tarted up on the juvenile pageant circuit to seduce male judges and entire audiences. Small wonder, then, what this Lima Delilah perpetrated on the upstanding, innocent hero Finn Hudson, football star and son of a war hero who gave his life for our country. Young Finn testified that Mizz Berry's kiss was, and I quote, 'sweet, soft, tender, delicious, warm, exciting.' In fact, it was so exciting, he told us, that it caused him to suffer embarrassing episodes of premature ejaculation, a problem Mizz Berry solved by subjecting young Finn to immediate fervent fellatio so that he ultimately would be able to perform his manly duty not only during the sexual intercourse she demanded of him up to three times daily over a period of three months, but in reciprocating her generosity with selfless acts of cunnilingus performed upon her person. Mizz Berry, it should be noted, also developed a propensity for retaining young Finn's semen as a finishing flourish to her fellatio, so that when I refer to her voracious sexual appetite, I am not just speaking metaphorically.

"You can therefore easily imagine, gentlemen of the jury, how devastated young Finn must have been on the evening of August 10, last, when Mizz Berry informed him that it would not be fair to him for her to continue a relationship involving a regimen of fellatio, cunnilingus, and intercourse up to three times daily when her heart belonged to William Schuester, my client, and the only true innocent in all these proceedings. He knew nothing of Mizz Berry's fanatical desire for him and, as I shall demonstrate, did everything he could to avoid being subjugated to her wanton lusts.

"The tragedy that befell Will Schuester began the following day, when Mizz Berry visited him at his school office where he was diligently preparing for the fall semester. We know from the testimony of the janitor, Willie MacDougal, that Mizz Berry and Mr. Schuester kissed. But who kissed whom and how often and what did it all mean? My client has testified that Mizz Berry initiated the kiss, planted her lips hard against his, threw her arms around his neck, slid her tongue into his mouth which was open only because he was so surprised, and sustained her attack for three whole minutes while he considered his options of how best to fight off her unprovoked assault. Remember, gentlemen of the jury, he was dealing with a seasoned, determined, calculating drama queen capable of anything, so Mr. Schuester had to proceed very cautiously in detaching her lips from his lips, her tongue from his throat, her hands from his neck, ears and cheeks, her breasts from his chest, her stomach from his uncontrollable erection, her buttocks from his hands where they had inadvertently landed in the course of his struggle. Still, a kiss is just a kiss, as time goes by, an act of affection, and certainly not rape, statutory or otherwise. The only thing being raped in this encounter was Mr. Schuester's mouth.

"Mr. Schuester bravely fended off Mizz Berry's vanguard of unwanted advances, but he gained merely a respite. Mizz Berry regrouped, used the ten second hiatus Mr. Schuester had believed in vain to be permanent, and repeatedly hurled her indomitable forces against his weakening defenses. He attempted to prevent further damage to his good name by pressing his hand against her breast, caressing and fondling the soft flesh, pinching the nipple so that she might relent and remove her tongue from his teeth. She then called up her reserves and took hold of his manhood through his pants, stroking and rubbing it with newfound urgency, leaving him little choice but to retaliate by running his free hand up her dress-code violating skirt and under the elastic edge of her panties where his fingers penetrated her most vulnerable position on the field of battle, but despite their continuous sliding and circling motions accompanied by teasing grazings of his thumb on her clitoral nerve hub, the more recently practiced army prevailed in this battle of wills when Mr. Schuester fired a final innocuous salvo inside his own shorts, an act that has come to be known around McKinley High as the Full Finn or Partial Puck, after the priapic lothario who succumbed involuntarily in Mizz Berry's presence by the power of suggestion alone. As the vainglorious Mizz Berry clutched her hapless victim in her merciless talons, it was then that janitor Willie heard her cry, 'I love you, Will' and the poor defeated man could only whimper in his shame, 'You're fantastic, Rachel.' 'Fantastic' doesn't begin to describe this precocious amoral Jezebel who preys upon the souls of fine men such as my innocent client, Mr. Schuester. And as you shall hear later in my presentation, Mizz Berry's sensuous facial lips were not the last depredations to be suffered by my client's mouth from lips of one sort or another belonging to his nemesis.

"We next heard from Chastity Periwinkle, an elderly spinster neighbor of Mr. Schuester's. She claims to have witnessed Mizz Berry, a week following her kissing attack, entering Mr. Schuester's apartment, and in the second or so it took the door to close, says she saw Mr. Schuester completely naked with a tumescent phallus and Mizz Berry's hand reaching out to grab it. She says she was so distraught by the spectacle of unmitigated, brazen lasciviousness that she stayed an hour with her ear pinned against the door. What she went on to describe in her testimony can and must be put down to the wishful fantasies of a fevered imagination, one driven by a lifetime of denial and repressed sexuality. I'm sure many, if not every single one of you gentlemen members of the jury have encountered at least one such a female in your life, one who was blind or indifferent to your masculine charms and rejected even your most subtle offers of concern on their behalf. It was for that special male perspective and experience that fine gentlemen such as yourselves bring to the adjudication of such matters that we were determined to insure Mr. Schuester had a panel of true peers to find the shadow of doubt in the prosecution's web of distortions. That is why his Honor agreed with defense counsel during _voir dire_ in excluding woman after woman from the jury for cause. None showed the ability for open-mindedness, logic, and non-prejudice that each one of you clearly demonstrated and which are all so necessary for a fair verdict of innocence in this case.

"So now, ignoring for the moment her questionable eyesight, hearing, memory, and sanity, let us consider what Miss Periwinkle says she heard after the door to Mr. Schuester's apartment closed on her snooping, startled, befuddled eyes."


	2. The Middle

"Approximately five minutes after Mizz Berry entered my client's apartment, he was heard by Miss Periwinkle to shout, 'No, Rachel, no. Stop! Not in your mouth.' What could have caused such an outburst after so long a period of silence? With no direct evidence to support their theory, the prosecutor has tried via smirks, leers and innuendo to get you gentlemen of faith to believe a good Christian man such as William Schuester would allow Mizz Berry to pleasure her oral cavity by feasting on his procreating organ. Common sense, however, suggests a much more likely scenario. Clearly Mr. Schuester had taken the opportunity to get fully dressed, surprised as he had been by Mizz Berry storming unannounced into his apartment while he was in the nude, and she, having seen my client's determination to resist her, attempted to swallow an overdose of tranquilizers to deal with the bitter blow of rejection. Praise be to God Mr. Schuester was able to prevent the mortal sin which would have committed Mizz Berry to eternal hellfire.

"Miss Periwinkle also testified that a bit later she heard Mizz Berry shout over and over and over again, 'Yes, Will, fuck me, fuck me, oh yes, please fuck me,' to the sound of a squeaking bed and then of a headboard banging against the bedroom wall. The prosecution in their closing argument will try to get you to believe carnal relations were taking place, when examination of the evidence suggests exactly the opposite. The petulant little drama queen, permissively raised with no moral instruction, as one might expect of two homosexual fathers, was acting out by jumping on the mattress like a woman gone berserk, begging, pleading with my client to commit the lewdest of acts with her, which he stoutly and bravely resisted with every fiber of his Christian soul. She culminated her histrionic performance in a spiritual paroxysm, crying out, 'Oh God, so big, so hard, so deep, oh God, yes, yes, yes, ohhhh. … Oh, God, I want to do that again. Please make it happen again.' To which I can only add, Christian gentlemen of the jury, hallelujah! It has to be obvious what transpired on that fateful evening. Mizz Rachel Berry had been saved! She had discovered the miracle of religious ecstasy, which celibate Catholic nuns worldwide, who consider themselves married to Jesus, have experienced night after blessed night for centuries, and increasingly so since the invention of the dry cell battery. This daughter of Abraham was accepting the Lord Jesus Christ deep into her soul, was recognizing His power and glory, was being born, not again, but for the very first time, was calling on His spirit to be with her always, or at least several times a night, each and every night. Such a transformation! Such an epiphany! This could only have happened in the presence of a true Christian gentleman such as William Schuester.

"Let us all pause to consider the true heroism of the mightiest Christian soldier amongst us here today, Mr. William Schuester. We have seen Mizz Rachel Berry on the witness stand, we have seen her cross her legs in that short skirt, we have seen those trim, muscled thighs, that creamy delicate skin, the flowing wavy hair, the mouth of sin, the seductive smile, the flashing deep brown eyes, the pert breasts encased in a fabric so thin as to reveal the barest outlines of offensively protruding nipples. All this and more was displayed in all its naked satanic glory to my client in the privacy of his bedroom, accompanied by fervid entreaties to, and here I quote Miss Periwinkle, 'fuck me, oh yes, please fuck me,' words she was to repeat on multiple occasions throughout the night. Common sense logic tells us that Mizz Berry's continually having to plead to be fucked proves beyond a show of a doubt that William Schuester stood fast, never once giving in to libidinous temptation. But who amongst _us_, good gentlemen of the jury, would have done the same? Which of _you_ would have demurred and not have fucked Mizz Berry under those same circumstances?

"And so it came to pass that the good Lord, in all His mercy, saw fit to avert the crisis in the Christian soul of Will Schuester by means of direct divine intervention, taking over the arduous task of satisfying the insatiable sexual appetites of Mizz Rachel Berry by fucking, screwing, drilling, plowing, and banging the living daylights out of her until she praised the Lord, acknowledged His supremacy, and came unto him again and again before falling asleep, her soul having been brought to Jesus. It was then, and not until then, that my client disrobed and went to bed. To deny the truth and righteousness of this exegesis is to deny the possibility of Christian salvation itself. Any who would do so would be as likely to build a mosque within a hundred miles of Ground Zero.

"We come finally to the testimony of Emma Pillsbury, corroborated in part by Sue Sylvester. I am referring to the events witnessed by these two mentally frail public servants outside the school office of my client, during an all-too-common relapse of newly-found Christian faith on the part of Mizz Berry. Miss Pillsbury was first on the scene, and testified that the first thing she saw was Mizz Berry seated on the edge of the desk with her bare legs draped over Mr. Schuester's shoulders, his head buried between her opened thighs while he sat on his chair in front of her. Her panties were hanging from her ankle, her mini skirt was up around her waist, and she held onto the back of his head. Shame on anyone who would jump to the simplistic conclusion, on the basis of testimony from obviously biased and somewhat deranged witnesses, that Will Schuester had at last fallen into the arms of Beelzebub himself. Allow me to explain what actually was happening to poor Mr. Schuester.


	3. The Close

"First, Miss Pillsbury described Mizz Berry's legs as being 'draped' over Will Schuester. 'Draped.' We've seen those legs, we've seen almost all of those legs, gentlemen of the jury, but only because it was our duty to do so. Those legs are toned and strong. Do you know how they got that way? First, there was young Finn Hudson, all 6'3" of that muscular sportsman. Mizz Berry's toned legs were wrapped around his massive torso in the heat of fornication up to three times daily for three months, squeezing for all their worth. Second, there was ballet, twelve years of lessons. Do you know what's missing from the sound of the word 'ballet' my fellow Americans? The 't.' Do you know why? Because it's FRENCH! FRENCH, right here in Lima, Ohio, USA. Those toned muscular legs weren't merely 'draped,' they were tensed, forcefully holding my poor client down on his chair, her heels pressed against his back so that his face was being pushed forward between Mizz Berry's opened thighs.

"'Pushed forward toward what?', Christian gentlemen such as yourselves might ask. A 'vagina?' That word just names a part of the female anatomy, and as such is inadequate for purposes of complete understanding in this matter. Mr. Schuester, you see, was being pushed toward an idea, an emotion, a passion, not a mere physical _thing_. I shall use another word, one more fully descriptive of the underlying psychology of the parties involved. I take this word from the 1928 novel _Lady Chatterley's Lover_, a book which currently rests on the shelves of the Lima Public Library, for heaven's sake! Let me quote a famous passage:

_"What is cunt?" she said._

_"An' doesn't ter know? Cunt! It's thee down theer; an' what I get when I'm i'side thee, and what tha gets when I'm i'side thee; it's a' as it is, all on't."_

_"All on't," she teased. "Cunt! It's like fuck then."_

_"Nay nay! Fuck's only what you do. Animals fuck. But cunt's a lot more than that. It's thee, dost see: an' th'art a lot besides an animal, aren't ter—even ter fuck? Cunt! Eh, that's the beauty o' thee, lass!"_

'CUNT,' then, is the word I'll use, Christian gentlemen of the jury. Cunt, as D.H. Lawrence tells us, is what each party that makes up the two-backed beast derives in totality from the act of sexual intercourse, it is the beauty of womanhood. But cunt has another dimension, an evil ugly side, as Shakespeare's King Lear describes it:

"_There's hell, there's darkness, there's the sulphurous pit,  
Burning, scalding, stench, consumption; fie, fie, fie! pah, pah!"_

"What Will Schuester faced then, his head pushed forward between Mizz Berry's opened thighs, up very close and very personal, were the two faces of cunt. On the surface were enticement and temptation, for that's how Satan captures lost souls. The pink, soft, velvety, glistening flesh peeking out between the innermost flower petal folds, beckoning him inward, promising immeasurable bliss, urging him into its depths where he might find the mystery of life itself, its timeless beauty enveloped in mists of lavender and attar of roses. Your honor, could you please have the bailiff bring me a glass of cold water. I need to sit down for a moment.

"Thank you, your honor. Now, where was I? Oh yes, Mizz Berry's cunt. Which of you Christian gentlemen of the jury might not have lingered there awhile, had you found yourself in Mr. Schuester's precarious position? But as we have witnessed time after time, William Schuester is made of sterner stuff. He recognized that he was being tested by the highest powers in their never-ending competition for the souls of men, and knew he must side with the One True God Almighty. 'Get behind me Satan' was his watchword, and governed each and every one of his actions from that time onward. To display his contempt for the Devil, he stuck out his tongue as far as possible, indifferent to how deep into Mizz Berry's 'sulphurous pit' it went. Not content with static, passive demonstration, his tongue circled, curled, and twirled, licked, lapped the juices, dove in and out of the cunt over and over, pushed the surrounding petals hither and yon, and pressured the ultra-sensitive clitoris without mercy. When the latter induced moans and then shrieks from his temptress, he knew he was making progress in defending his honor, huh?, no, not you, your honor, and redoubled his efforts in thwarting her advances by pushing her away again and again and again with two fingers inserted into the deepest recesses of her cunt. And lo, it worked! Mizz Berry screamed in surrender once, twice, three times, and the battle was won! But the war continued. Before an exhausted Mr. Schuester could react, the amazingly quick and agile Mizz Berry had unbuckled and unzipped his pants, pulled them down to his knees, and slid off the table onto his lap.

"Fortunately for Mr. Schuester, the Good Lord had prepared him for this eventuality by giving him the means to properly impale and discomfit Mizz Berry when she landed on him. She at first evinced her unease by squirming and gyrating, then tried simple rhythmic vertical oscillations to rid herself of the annoying intrusion into her _sanctum sanctorum, w_hich Mr. Schuester endeavored to assist by thrusting his hips upward at the perigee of her orbit. We must understand Mr. Schuester's predicament at being unable to extract himself from his embarrassing entrapment within Mizz Berry's cunt. His pants were at his knees, his testicles were being menacingly fondled by Mizz Berry, and his breathing was being constantly interrupted by her breasts mashed against his nostrils and her nipples pushed into his mouth.

"Mr. Schuester then settled on the strategy which proved his physical and spiritual salvation when he had come mouth-to-cunt with Mizz Berry, namely to weaken her via an unrelenting sequence of debilitating orgasms. His tactic was to pinch and stroke her nipples and clitoris and whisper 'come for me baby' in her ear while increasing the frequency and amplitude of his upward pelvic thrusts. At long last, after Mizz Berry had done as requested and had come for Mr. Schuester multiple times and Mr. Schuester had deposited copious amounts of his seed amidst the juicy lubricants of Mizz Berry's tight cunt, as the Good Lord, Creator of the Universe had intended, the two became sexually disengaged with a pop and bountiful leakage and Mr. Schuester had only to endure a minute of tiny kisses and 'I love yous' before regaining his composure and grace in the eyes of his Lord.

"Now, if this incident of forced cunnilingus and copulation were so improper, such a gross violation of school decorum and societal mores, why did not Miss Pillsbury intervene in some fashion during the twenty or so minutes that it took poor Mr. Schuester to extract himself from the predatory clutches of Mizz Berry via intense oral and phallic stimulation? And why did not also Miss Sylvester, who joined Miss Pillsbury soon after Mizz Berry had trapped Mr. Schuester by falling into his lap, take any action to help poor Mr. Schuester? Are they not colleagues? What were these two never-married ladies doing with each other while staring through the glass of Mr. Schuester's office? We'll never know the full truth of what transpired inside the track suits and under the skirts of these two peeping Thomasinas, but you gentlemen of the jury must take all possibilities into account when evaluating the veracity of their testimony.

"In summation, it is the burden of the prosecution to establish the guilt of the defendant beyond a reasonable shadow of doubt. Have they done so? Have the testimonies of their witnesses shown clearly and unambiguously beyond a reasonable shadow of doubt that Mr. Schuester _ever_ had the slightest intention or desire to have carnal relations with Mizz Berry? On the contrary, a thorough commonsensical analysis of the testimony given by the prosecution's own witnesses reveals that Mr. Schuester, a good and true Christian man, a great teacher, a respected member of his school, church, and community, did everything in his power at all times to avoid any improper or illegal relations with Mizz Berry. There can be only one truly just verdict in this case, only one verdict that can be sanctified by a loving and just Christian God, and that verdict is: not guilty. Mr. Schuester and I put our trust in you, Christian gentlemen of the jury, to find in his favor. The defense rests.

[_Prosecution's final argument_]

[_Judge's instructions to the jury_]

[_Two hours pass_]

"Gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict."

"We have, your honor. We find the defendant not guilty on all counts."

"The defendant is free to go."

[_Rachel, crying and laughing, hugs and kisses Will._]

"Oh Will, I'm so glad. I love you so much."

"Me too. Your uncle's a great lawyer. You were right about the African-American attorney among your relatives being a better choice than one of the Jewish lawyers. It took a real Christian to understand the jury's mentality."

"He's an atheist. He hasn't been to church since he was 8. He thinks it's all ridiculous bullshit, but he sure knows how to use it. Our family's Jewish shysters refer to him respectfully as the _schwartze_ Clarence Darrow. He calls them Dershowitz wannabees. But things only get heated on the weekend of the Harvard-Yale game."

"You mean he didn't believe any of the things he said?"

"The Law isn't about the truth, Will, it's about the evidence that's allowed in and its interpretation. It's all showbiz. It's about what you can get twelve people who couldn't get out of jury duty to believe. If the prosecutor weren't a closeted gay intending to run as a Republican for the Ohio Senate, he would never have brought the case in the first place."

"If he's closeted, how do you know he's gay?"

"One of my dads knew him well, really, really well, in college. The case was partly an act of revenge for being dumped."

"Why did your uncle do this _pro bono_? He knew I couldn't pay him."

"In addition to wanting to take down the self-hating Republican asshole, yes, I know that's a redundancy, when my uncle gets through suing the school district for defamation of character and wrongful termination, he'll make up his usual $400 an hour and more for each and every hour he put in. And you, dear sir, will have the show choir to end all show choirs, if that's what you want, and the largest house in Lima, if that's where you want to stay."

"What else could I do?"

"Well, for starters, there's our Larry King interview next week and five network TV shows. We're doing _Endless Love_ on Letterman and _Hello_ on Leno. I've gotten calls from five Broadway producers wanting us _together_. Harvard, Yale and Julliard can beg all they want, I'm turning pro. Is this a great country, or what?"

"You mean that despite the fact I had sex with my underage student, I'm getting all these offers?"

"Oh Will, poor sweet, naïve Will. This is why I love you, plus of course you're a great lay and really know how to eat pussy. It's not 'despite the fact,' it's 'because.' Because, because, because. This is America, after all, land of the free, home of the hypocrite."

"Why did your family go along with us, with me?"

"I love _you_, they love _me. _And they trust me. That's all they needed to know. You're coming home with me, aren't you? We're having a big celebration in honor of you and my uncle. The judge will be there. He's a great guy, even if he is a Republican. He hates the prosecutor and his own son is interested in that Ohio Senate seat. That's why he made sure no women got on the jury."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world. Tell me, was _anything_ in the trial legitimate?"

"When my uncle said you were the only true innocent in these proceeding, he may have uttered the only truthful statement in the entire trial, except of course for Miss Periwinkle's testimony. That old crone remembered every single word I shouted. I did so much want you to fuck me that night, didn't I?"

"God, yes. Weren't _you_ a true innocent?"

"Oh, Will. Please. When I came to seduce you after dumping Finn, I was being a selfish, self-centered little shit, placing my ego and gratification ahead of the terrible danger I was putting you in. When I finally grew up and came to truly fall in love with you, I hated myself for what I had done. Can you ever forgive me?"

"I did that long ago. Am I staying the night again?"

"Sure."

The End


End file.
